….but when I said I wanted a little ice for my birthday, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind ; ).

Day 3 of ICE was also my 35th birthday, and I did not let it go uncelebrated. Determined to add a little glamour to my chemo experience, I arrived bedecked in my own ice and bling and sporting a rhinestone tiara and 3 inch heels. Because I TOTALLY care what other people think at this point. My friend Robin had hooked me up the night before with a pink feather boa and other regal acoutrements, which I brought in as well, for mid-chemo costume changes.

The day started quietly, with my father sitting with me and reflecting on 35 years of parenthood. He’s such a good egg. Then the rolling party started, with groups of friends arriving in shifts all day long. There was much gossip and laughter and probably an inappropriate amount of noise, but it was just what I needed to get through the day. I brought in cupcakes for the staff and doctors and other patients, because I think everyone in a cancer suite should be celebrating birthdays. And my friends brought in cupcakes for me! And strawberries….dear Tania brought a washed, chilled bowl of the most delicious strawberries I’ve ever eaten, and I polished them off in about ten minutes without sharing a single one. Because I’m the birthday girl.

During a quiet moment, my mother called to wish me a happy birthday. She got kind of quiet and said that she wasn’t where she wanted to be (meaning, up in Acton while I was here) and I mentioned that I wasn’t where I wanted to be, either (meaning the chemo suite). It was…sad. I’ve been trying to keep upbeat, but there is still a lot of sadness surrounding this whole relapse business. Working my way through the stages of grief? Something like that. It was a long trip back from last years chemo to the energetic, healthy, full-head-of-hair, focused, and happy girl that I was on February 10th. And while clinically I understood that I had relapsed, it wasn’t really until Tuesday night, after the second day of chemo, that I started to feel like a sick person again. And that’s not where I were I want to be.

The good news is that my bone marrow biopsy came back clear. And that I am 35…..honestly, last year, I wasn’t so sure that I would be.

Sorry for the melancholy. But that’s how we roll these days.

Love and thanks for all of the birthday wishes-