This past fall, I was identifying silver linings from last summer’s cancer extravaganza all over the place. I really do believe that the experience has given me a completely new perspective on how I want to live my life, and examples were popping up all over the place of how great things were going to be in this new post-cancer era. (Of course, I’m blanking on them now).

This week, I’m not seeing so many silver linings. This has been a tough, tough week, both physically and emotionally. I am so grateful for the incredible support of my friends and family, especially over my birthday. But, as Kerin, the high priestess of nausea drugs at my doc’s office remarked, “there’s no drug for ass.”

And that’s pretty much how I feel. This R-ICE regime is much tougher, physically, than the CHOP regime I did last year. I’ve been feeling pretty rough since Wednesday: nauseated, sure, but also this general malaise feeling that doesn’t go away. I have zero energy, and my brain is already kind of gnarled. Random misfires and all of that. I feel really bad. And I don’t want to do this again in two weeks. I really don’t.

Then, there’s the added yuckiness of not really having had time to process all of this before diving into treatment again. My emotions keep spilling over, and justifiably so. I’m just overwhelmed. I’m really upset about having to check out of my life again, especially while the kids are so young and changing so much every day, week, and month. Last year I missed pretty much all of Zach’s milestones from 12-18 months, and here we go again.

Plus I’m scared. What if all of this doesn’t work?

So that’s where I am right now….an admittedly pretty dark place.