A few weeks ago, I moved a sullen echinacea plant who’d been moping in the new shade created by a nearby shrub’s growth.   Despite e. purpurea Magnus‘s sunny new spot, rich with compost, he was wilted and droopy with the hour.  Transplant wilt…just too many shocks to the system.

That’s how I feel right now; I think I have transplant wilt.  Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week were awful.  I know me some tired, after 2 babies in two years, and 9 rounds of hard-core chemo.  But the fatigue I felt earlier this week was almost….cellular.  I could barely walk up a flight of stairs, and needed a 20 minute prone rest after taking the single flight to my bedroom.  I was having horrible GI issues and had to balance the crushing fatigue with my personal dignity.  Let’s just say that the calculation didn’t always come out with the same result.  When my doctors and nurses talked about how long I’d feel this way, and whether I’d hit the bottom yet, I was scared.  I really didn’t know that I could make it, whether I had the juice to be in such a dark place for more than a day or two.

But something happened on Wednesday night.  I can’t say for sure what it was, but I felt like I’d been dialed up a few clicks.  I’m still tired and queasy and light headed and honestly, couldn’t make it two doors down the street yesterday with Zach to check out the neighbor’s moving truck.  I had to send Saski back in to get my parents to help me.  Kind of a blow to my independent nature.   And yet, this is sustainable ick.  I know can get through this level of weakness.

Saskia and Jen reading in MasksOne of the hardest parts are the infection controls at home.  Saski is totally on board; she grabs a mask and comes to sit quietly with me.   But Zach won’t wear a mask himself, and doesn’t really want to be around me when I’m wearing a mask, so that’s sort of hard.  Another couple of days and I should be able to be around the kids without masks.  But in the meantime, I miss my snuggles.

There is good news, though.  I have neutrophils!  And monocytes!  Well, maybe a neutrophil and a monocyte is a better characterization.   But after 4 days of 0.0/0.0 on those two blood cell types, I have 0.05/0.02 today.   So, whooo-hoo!

The morning after I moved the echinacea, he’d perked right back up, and is now basking in the sun, getting ready to bloom.

Love, Jen

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